I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The best revenge is premature balding
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize