just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
