I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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