My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
