dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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