i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize