dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
