There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
