If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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