What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
