it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
