I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Come see our sink grown plant.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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