some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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