i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
