i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
