This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
