Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
