but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
