It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize