you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
