i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
