My brain says no but my pants say off.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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