so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
