I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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