I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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