Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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