dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
