Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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