Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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