im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
