Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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