I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
