There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
