I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
