The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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