I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
