you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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