Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
