and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
