My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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