Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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