Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
