My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize