My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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