I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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