tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
