Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
