Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I've blown a few things in my day
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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