I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
