you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
