You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
