Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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