his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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