help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
