I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I cut my penus on the lid.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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