watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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