sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
