"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize